Firstly, what is a “rut”? It’s basically a settled and/or monotonous routine that is lacking in fun and excitement. The solution to your sexual rut depends on what rut you’re in though!
I’ve been in a few different ones, but here are a handful that will cover most ruts people find themselves in and the ones I’ll be writing about in this series:
- The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut
- The “not feeling loved/fallen out of love” rut
- The “been together a while and fallen into routine sex” rut
- The “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut
- The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut
I think that most couples experience at least one of these in their relationship lifetime and often it’s one partner that is experiencing something which results in the rut. Some people experience them on a recurring basis, some people experience a bunch of them and a small handful are lucky enough never experience any of them which is great!
You know you’re in a sexual rut when:
- Your sex sessions basically use the same foreplay and same positions every time; you know how long it will take and what position to get into first without consulting each other
- You have sex on the same nights of the week every week – hello routine
- You haven’t have sex for weeks on end and you don’t miss it
- You use the excuse “I’m too tired” 5 out of 6 times your partner wants to have sex and the 6th time it’s “not feeling well – headache”
- Old people have more sex than you do
- You can’t answer the question “when was the last time you had sex” within seconds
- Your balls are blue or you have cobwebs it’s been so long
- You’re on Twitter at 1:30am talking about sex instead of having it
- You have a very well toned right arm (or whatever arm you are dominant using)
- It’s become a chore; list of things to do, grocery shopping, clean house, mow lawn, have sex
- You are thinking about something mundane when you’re having sex; “I really should paint that wall…”
Ruts aren’t fun! In fact, that’s the problem – there is no fun or very little of it and in all seriousness, for a relationship to be fulfilling on every level, having a great sex life is a part of that. So lets look at some of these and talk about ways to get out of them and back into the bedroom where the fun is (or whatever room takes your fancy)!
I’ll be addressing all of these as a series which I’ll complete over the next week and a bit so keep an eye out for the one you need most :o)
Here’s to your relationship and sexual evolution!
To read the other parts in the series:
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 3: The “not feeling loved/fallen out of love” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 4: The “been together a while and fallen into routine sex” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 5: The “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 6: The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut
Hi Chantelle
I am married. I am not in a sexual rut. I can not answer for my wife if she is a sexual rut.. My wife does not communicate at all with me about what she likes and does not in bed. Resently, she told me not to call her a slut when we are making love. I have been calling her a slut for a year or so. I thought it was great feedback. I said, “I will not call you a slut anymore”. She said, “Sometimes you can.” Now, I am supposed to read her mind? The only way I can definitely tell if she is having a good time is when she is coming. I do not think my wife likes sex.
Hello Kevin,
How do you know she doesn’t like sex?
I know, us women can be a little confusing… What you need to do is to work with her to determine when it’s ok and when it’s not ok to call her a slut or whatever else she likes or doesn’t like in the moment ;) Sometimes the communication is non-verbal, she can just shake her head to say “no, don’t call me that right now” so you know ;)
Unfortunately it’s hard to assist when you are only working with one partner, these things are much easier to air and create agreements around when you can get both participants to have the conversations :)
The issue is often the fact we are not taught to talk about sex, in fact, it’s one of the things “you shouldn’t talk about”… This programming often plays out and is destructive in my opinion. She may or may not think there is an issue so until she does, and realises she needs to work on it, she may not do anything different.
I’m thinking I may need to create a tool for well intentioned men like you, to get their women to talk sex with them ;)
My wife has only wanted sex from me a few times in the years we have been dating. Every time we have sex she just lays there and says nothing and does very little. Thats why I say she does not like sex.
Tool would be great. I am just trying to be close to my wife and have fun.